CREATIVE, HARD WORKING, SELF MOTIVATED, AND WHAT’S THE OTHER ONE, PROPOLACTIC.
When it comes to looking for a job, standing out is what it’s all about. But what do people put on their resume, the same old stuff. “Creative, hard working self starter.” Well la-di-dah. According to Nicole Williams, connection director for LinkedIn, that isn’t good enough. These words have become null and void with overuse. To get around this obstacle, she suggests a different approach. “Instead of telling someone you’re creative, you need to show them.”
We at Slightly Corked & Associates, North America’s most under-rated employment agency, have known this for years. Our motto, if we can’t get you noticed, you’re the invisible man. And if that’s the case, you might want to apply for dressing room attendant at your nearest Victoria’s Secret.
Sometimes it’s just the little things that get you noticed, like wearing a bright red clown nose at the interview, or refreshing words to make them your own. Why be “self motivated” when you can be “self motorvated?” And never mind proactive, be prototypical instead, maybe propolactic if you don’t like kids.
But more often than not, to catch an employer’s eye, you have to stop talking and start doing. It’s really all about getting an employer’s attention. For example, if you’re an excellent communicator, don’t just tell them, show them.
An opening gambit might be as simple as challenging your prospective employer to a game of charades. If that fails, take to the rooftop of the building next door. Get out your old boy scout semaphore flags and start signaling. How can he not be impressed?
(Note to younger readers: Semaphore is still used by those armies suffering from bad cell phone reception. For the young job applicants, if you don’t want to be dismissed as “the kook next door waving the flags around,” try signaling naked. Guaranteed to get an employer’s eye.
If you don’t look so good buck naked, morse code might be the way to go. With all the fuss and fanfare over the Titanic’s 100th anniversary, that time honoured mode of communication is on brink of comeback. Our prediction is that within the year all text messages will be in trendy dots and dashes. For example, “let’s leave this bar and go to the trendy one next door” will be three dots, three dashes, three dots, the old SOS call used to introduce the topic of abandoning ship, the ship in this case being Cousin Ruby’s Bar and Grill.
Five long dashs of course represents the question most often asked by movie goers everywhere, “How did that cute little DiCaprio’s face swell to the size of a weather balloon after the movie?”
Sometimes though, nothing catches a prospective bosses attention like the classics. And nothing is more classic in the field of communication as smoke signals. And just in case you’re wondering, three small puff balls followed by a whole pile of smoke means, “Gotta go, I just torched the building.”
Even more classic than the smoke signal, and appreciated by all, especially the fire department, is a dirigible towing a long banner, in this case saying, “Hire me, that goof you’ve got is lazy.”
Don’t be afraid to include selective home videos in your resume package. Nothing shows “hard working” and “self motivated” better than the time you launched the ski boat after forgetting you lost the drain plug at the end of last season. Now that was bailing.
And sales ability? Remember when your stupid cousin caught you chatting that nifty blonde up at the lake and showed it to your wife? Who would have thought you could talk that fast?
And finally let’s not forget the most basic and widely used communication form, the written word. Our advice is stick to your message, that you’re creative, hard working, self starting and highly motivated. More important still, that you’ve got a damn cute ass. The twist is to do it in verse, iambic pentameter if you can.
No one is creative as me,
Hire me and yee shall see.
There’s no need for a loss,
Now can I start calling you boss?
And if all this fails, as it did for us, (Yes, I once sent a poem in) you can always do as we did, start your own employment agency.
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