OFFICIAL DEATH NOTICE TO THE WORD AWESOME

Attention shoppers, we have a national emergency on our hands. No, I’m not talking about a shortage of cat food like last time, this is far more serious. Our nation is under siege by a pernicious virus that attacks the prefrontal cortex causing people to lose their originality, particularly the young and vulnerable.

I’m speaking about overuse of the word awesome, a voracious word, which if allowed to take root eats up all the other words, effectively leaving an individual with a one word vocabulary. Or as they would say, “Awesome.”

If reports are accurate, and why wouldn’t they be, I make them up daily, awesome was brought back from Afghanistan by returning veterans, where it was first used to describe the gastric distress of a camel who patronized the Kandahar Tim Horton’s once too often.
The word, which is now inescapable, has steadily advanced through society until now even ministers without portfolio (nautical term meaning left side brain) are using it. Why, just the other day, our Prime Minister, desperately trying to appear human, tried the word on for size.

Those in attendance however said the attempt backfired as, with all Harpers public announcements, it came across as unbelievable. As Big Jake Stanhope of Mooseteat Saskatchewan said, “It kind of sounded like a prissy kid trying to fit in by talking dirty. It didn’t ring true. Maybe if he hadn’t been wearing shorts with black oxfords and dress socks at the time”

The word, which was cutting edge and trendy when introduced, quickly lost luster and has become not a sign of originality but exactly the opposite. In fact, we haven’t had an outbreak of unoriginality like this since that day in 1981 when every teenage girl in North America sat down in front of her mirror and decided that Jane Fonda was right, that leg warmers were the way to go, and seemingly overnight you couldn’t go to a shopping mall, even one selling building supplies, without seeing teenage girls sporting leg warmers, even in Los Vegas where the last person with cold feet was Elvis at the rehab center.

Note: Reports that a young Stephen Harper was seen at Canadian Tire sporting leg warmers are entirely unfounded. Intelligence briefings at the time confirm he was toying with the idea, but thought warmers would make him look fat. Instead he went with a red sweater vest, accentuated by, what else, black oxfords and knee high support hose. This did not stop him from getting beaten up in aisle three by a small group of toughs shopping for goalie pads.

The extent of the “awesome” problem was brought to my attention by the following conversation with a young, seemingly normal waitress.

Me: Can I have the salad without onions?
Her: Awesome!
Me: I’m going to the bathroom now.
Her: Awesome.
Me: How come the chicken comes with the feet on?”
Her: Awesome.
Me: Cheque please
Her: Totally awesome.

It was the last awesome that sounded the general alarm. What was awesome about me leaving? Up until then I had been polite, had dazzled with knife and fork skills, and for a guy my age had only engaged in moderate flirting, that being an offer to tie her up and spank her bottom if she didn’t stop saying “awesome.

That’s why I’m proposing a word tax. Two dollars for every awesome, more for repeat offenders. And that’s just for starters, some individuals, our waitress for example, will be subject to intervention and have their tip money expropriated to pay for deprogramming where their word bank will be scrubbed clean of present vocabulary, (all eight words) after which new words will be introduced.

Word tax revenue will be used to replace Gideon hotel bibles with dictionaries, so travelers can get up in the morning and over a nice cup of coffee laced with powdered dairy product, choose their “awesome” replacements for the day.

Cultural influences must also be employed. Hollywood stars will be supplied with special scripts designed to introduce people to new, groovy words, hopefully that will become “awesome” replacements. Tom Cruise could be assigned, “Flighty.” John Travolta could work with “Gotcha.” And Woody Allen assigned “Xenophobic,” because only a guy from New York would know what that means. Lindsay Lohan of course would rely on her old faithful, “Busted!”

But when it comes right down to creating effective change in society, nothing beats Visual Involvement Tactics such as those employed by animal activist people, PETA being an example. For the uninitiated, a PETA protest involves some choice looking women gathering together after lunch and taking off their clothes to protest men eating meat. To which the men say, “You’re going to take your top off if I order the Big Mac? What do I get for supersize?”

Our girls will be just as naked, but provided with tasteful placards to cover their naughty bits, placards printed with exciting new words, anything but “awesome.”

Oh, wait a minute, here come the girls now. Everybody wave, “Hi Brandy, hi Missy. Hey, who’s that guy with the knee socks, black oxfords, stupid grin and not much else?

Wait a minute… Isn’t that… “Harper, put that Progressive sign down and get out of… Whoa, on second thought, keep that sign right where it is.”

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August 18, 2012

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